Monday, December 29, 2008

Mostly December...


Lunch on Peak 9


Mike Graduated!!!
Next year he'll even get a swanky velvet hood! Which is totally the reason to finish grad school...


Driving Home from Denver- Hwy 58, near Coors



Cows in the Hay Field at the Horse Rescue



November- Hwy 93- The leaves still on!
No Halloween Snow- wtf???



Psychology Grad Students will FEAST UPON YOUR SOULS!

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Very-Merry Christmas

For the first time in several years, I'm thinking 4 or 5, we had a nice, casual, at-home Christmas with my family. After my head injury there were several holiday seasons with me not present, several with my sister and/or mother gone mad, and a couple with Gram sobbing on the balcony in St. Thomas. Mike usually flies to Houston just before Christmas to intercept his sister's visit with their parents- she lives in Tokyo and this is her long vacation to fly to America- and my family often goes to St. Thomas to celebrate with my mother's family.

This year, I asked Mike to stay for my birthday (Christmas Eve) and leave Christmas evening, so he could have the full holiday experience with my side. I asked my family to spend Christmas Eve helping me at the horse rescue as a birthday gift, and for a Christmas morning kringle and bacon feast like we had when we were kids.

I may have missed all the 'big' birthdays- 18, 21- thanks to PTSD etc, but 23 made up for it! We woke up and Mike brought in the gift from his family- a really, really nice orange Le Cruset (sp?) dutch oven that I've been drooling over for years! The moment we walk into my parents' house, they made Mike 'bacon master' based on their ironic sense of Jewish eating. I'd ordered a couple kringles since I knew I wouldn't have time to make them this year, so we ended up having bacon and kringle two mornings in a row. I think I gained 10 lbs! My mom and Katy made a cake and Gram and Alyssa came over to help us eat everything and play some charades.

At 3, we drove up to the rescue and I introduced the horses. Mike's horribley allergic, but he couldn't resist petting Princess, the obese mini, before heading home with Katy to play video games. My dad fell for Winston, who I want to adopt but think he'll find a better placement in the spring. He's just so friggin' cute, and has such a personality! My mom mixed grains (and accidentially gave everyone their morning suppliments, I knew I shouldn't leave her alone...) while my dad helped me throw hay. It was a balmy 25 degrees and my parents had dressed appropriately, but they still whined mildly about the cold. Seriously- it's been in the teens and snowing the past couple of weeks! But they don't usually spend a couple hours hauling feed through the snow... so the mud seemed awful.

Dinner at "George W Bush's favorite Chinese restaurant!" where you have to ask for chopsticks and they look at you funny when you do, but the food's pretty good and pretty cheap. All in all, a wonderful day with the people I love!

Christmas morning Mike and I drove back to Boulder for more kringle and bacon. Mike was shocked at all the gifts under the tree, and even more shocked that a good fraction were to him! With a big family, the numbers add up quickly, and I think he finally understands the massive shopping list each winter! Great t-shirts from the St. Thomas diving club (Kiersten), bizzare hats (Cindy and Pete), and picnic/car blankets from my parents were group highlights. Katy got a microphone for school and money for a keyboard when she gets back (no point in buying one here!) and I got coveralls and a possium wool sweater from Tasmania that's fatally soft! We got mom some bath stuff that she adored, and dad a tie and polo shirt with kangaroo logos that he can wear to AWWA 'casual' events or whatever. My mom 'casually' mentioned to Mike several times that if he decides to really become a part of the family he'll get in on even more gifts. No pressure, of course, but wouldn't he like to officially be my family...

I took Mike to the airport before dinner at Laurie and Alden's. They sold their farm and bought another, and are extremely excited about everything! Alden's sick of growing hay, so their new property will be pastures only, once they re-do the barn. The new owners of their farm are boarding their horses for as long as it takes to get everything done and keeping the boarders that are already there in return for Alden and Miguel, the barn hand, helping them figure out the details of the operation and what hay farming actually involves. Anyhow, it was a nice Christmas dinner after a glorious day.

Today, a long hike to begin re-shedding these pesky holiday pounds!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Instructions for Winding a Watch

Incredible amounts of snow. Freezing cold (high of 13 F, low of -5 F) but sunny!
Our power went out three times yesterday, but the longest was only for an hour so more of an adventure in candles than a problem. I'll try to take some pictures today.

I've been thinking a lot about this translation lately. I did it a few years ago for a class on translating poetry, and although it's not my best work, something about the piece captivated me. I should really buy his most famous novel, "Hopscotch," so I can unstick myself from his Instrucciones. Part of what makes this short fiction fun is that the words don't make a whole lot of sense in Spanish, so translating them directly doesn't convey much. Instead, you have to decide what level of integraty can be maintained by changing words to say the same thing in another language. I should probably edit my translations, pull them together into one 'favorite', but until then here are the two I think are closest:

Instructions for Winding a Watch

Translation 1:

There at the end is Death, but do not fear. Hold the watch steady in one hand, hold the knob in two fingers, wind it gently. Now you open another time period; the trees display their leaves, the boats run in regattas, time like a fan will fill it exactly, and off it buds the air, the breeze of the earth, the shadow of a woman, the perfume of bread.

What more does it want? What more? Attend quickly to your wrist, leave it throbbing freely, mimicking panting. Fear rusts the anchors, each thing that it could reach and was forgotten circling the veins of the watch, gangrening the small rubies of cold blood. And there at the end is Death, if we don’t run and arrive before and understand that this does not matter.



Translation 2:

There at the end is death, but do not fear. Secure the watch in one hand, take the knob with two fingers, wind it gently. Now it opens another era, the trees display their leaves, the boats run regattas, time like a fan will fill this place, and off it buds the breathe of the earth, the shadow of a woman, the aroma of bread.

What more does it want, what more does it want? Attend quickly to your wrist, leave it throbbing freely, mimicking panting. Fear rusts the anchors, each thing that it could reach and was forgotten running through the veins of the watch, gangrening the rubies of cold blood. And there in the end is death if we don’t run and arrive before and understand that it won’t matter.

~ Julio Cortazar

Friday, December 5, 2008

Mike's Graduating Next Week!

And all of my family will be here to celebrate. Thus outnumbering his family by at least 6:1. I swear to God, if my grandparents tell his parents that they flew all the way out here just to meet them because, and I quote, "we'll be dead before Amy and Mike ever get married" it will ensure that we elope! I mean, they'd already have met his parents so why would we need to have a ceremony? It just eats me up to hear them say that, since they have never accepted my mother or my uncle's partner and they couldn't give less of a shit about my sister's love life.

See, Mike's technically Jewish. My grandfather survived the Holocaust. I understand the bitterness of having one son come out of the closet and sing on Broadway and the other marry a Christian girl after having your culture nearly wiped off the map, but I don't see how my Jewish wedding would fix anything. Accepting your very accomplished sons and their extended families would at least mean more time with the family you do have, in what time you have left. What's really ironic is, Grandma claims to see a lot of herself in me- that I'm strong and stubborn, unconventionally smart, and willing to take a stand for what I believe in. The rest of the family sees me as exactly like my mom- strong, stubborn, unconventionally smart, and willing to take a stand for what I believe in. My grandma started a culture club in her rural high school and hosted dances where the Jewish kids could dance with the Christian kids, and graduated at the very top of her class even though she was a woman. She reads more than anyone I know, and I was a poetry major! My mom failed out of a few undergrad colleges, attending 10 in total, then zipped through Yale grad school and got into Berkeley for her PhD, but didn't go because she had an idea about using forest service lands as recreational areas. Any forest service lands in Oregon that aren't logging sites, you can partially thank my mother for. For their eras and circumstances, they both made unprecedented stands for what they believed in. I still think they should put aside their ridiculous bitterness and get along!

Anyhow, I'm extraordinarily stressed about them coming to visit, along with my amazing uncles and Mike's parents, and all of my family that lives in the area.

Oh, and did I mention that they'll all still be here for my final's week? Yeah. My finals start a week from Monday. Gah.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

With my erratic posting, I'd be shocked to find I had any readers! Still, the urge to 'blog' lingers on my fingertips.

I made almost all of Thanksgiving this year, driving to Boulder every day this week to use my parents' kitchen and going to 5 different grocery stores, almost all of them on more than on occasion! Damn the prevalence of specialty stores! I can get canning supplies in our middle of nowhere King Soopers, but nowhere in Boulder sells jars! The same, local eggs are nearly $1 cheaper per dozen here than at the same chain store in Boulder. How does this even happen?
I'm happier every day I manage to avoid driving into that town!

Everything tasted wonderful and everyone left with enough left-overs for plenty of sandwiches today! Still, I've made better meals with much less effort, so I doubt I'll go down this over-the-top road again, at least not alone!

Also, we've added another example of why I'm hesitant to lend my mom my car:

Monday, my mom tore up the front walk and had my sister and me help her lay a new flagstone path/patio. She can't life the heavy rock slabs and buckets of fill dust, so we spent 5 hours moving everything around. On Tuesday I drove my mom to the gravel place and helped her load more rock dust into my car, then lent my mom my car for an appointment and started cooking. She got back about 3, and comes into the house saying she's too tired to finish the patio so why don't borrow her car and leave the dust alone for the night? I say okay, and keep cooking. At 7, Mike comes in and says to me, "why is your car in the middle of the street with the lights on, a door open, and the keys still in it? Are you getting things out?"

Yeah. My mom left my car in the middle of the street, lights on, driver's side passenger door AND trunk door open, and the keys in the ignition. For 4 hours. Her excuse? "I was really letting go of not finishing the patio, I guess I just relaxed too much. Oops."

Unlike all the times my sister has wrecked my car, my mom has no karmic punishment attached. The car was not stolen, it started again just fine, and even if everything had gone as wrong as it could have she has the money to just 'make it right.' She ran over a huge rock in my ancient, ground-hugging Saab and destroyed the radiator? "Oops!" and a new radiator for me. Not that I don't appreciate her taking financial responsibility, but I do wish she'd acknowledge that doing something she knows is going to lead to damage is irresponsible and, well, stupid!

Sister car wrecks were pretty amazing, though. Especially the last time she drove that old Saab:
My sister got arrested for having a bong in her purse when she was 16. The anti-pot laws here are rarely enforced, but it was this cop's first day and he was a bit over-zealous. The judge sent her to alcohol classes as the lowest available punishment, which is ironic since she had chosen not to drink because she felt more in control smoking... Anyhow, right after her 18th birthday she had borrowed my car to go to a choir performance. If you don't know Saabs, their ignition is in the center console and is completely removable, and sometimes you can knock the key out on the older ones if you swing your elbow just right. My sis did not know this, and as she was about to turn onto a main street she apparently knocked the ignition just enough to turn the car off. The ignition was misaligned now, and since she had no idea it came out at all she had no idea she needed to fix it. All she knew was the car wouldn't start and the key wouldn't come out!
A cop driving by on the main road helped her push the car into a parking lot, then ran her license as protocol. Turns out, the paperwork for finishing her alcohol class had never been filed, and there was a warrant out for her arrest now that she'd turned 18! My sister when to jail, and my parents got to argue with the cops all night until someone found her paperwork and allowed them to take her home.

Okay, off to bed. Hope anyone had a lovely Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

More evidence that PETA needs to spend more time in reality

When you've created a flash game to protest a video game about cooking, you're not paying enough attention to the real animal right's issues of our world.

PETA protests Wii Game

Seriously.

Friday, November 7, 2008


My sister comes to Colorado on Wednesday! Yay!!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

HOOORAH!

I am VERY happy about our 44th presidential pick! Voting against Bush in my first election, and having him legitimately win even after all the BS that'd gone down during his first miserable 4 years in office, destroyed my idealism that every vote counts. He won by less than 600 votes in Florida in 2000, and lost by nearly half a million in terms of popular vote, but he still became the president. Now, tell me, how does that work again?

But never mind! No more bitterness needed! I will only be more thrilled by this election if more than 65% of eligible voters actually cast ballots :-) That will be an amazing day for our democracy, when more than 2/3rds of the population participates in selecting our leaders!

But, wait a second... What about Prop. 8 in California?

What about the couple on the right? They've been together for over 20 years, and they were finally going to get legally married this spring. My uncles prove that true love exists and overreaches all prejudices. They have always been an inspiration to me, of what a relationship should be like. The final tally is not yet complete, but it doesn't look like they'll be able to get married after all. Strange, Mike and I have been together a little over 3 years, and people politely nag us all the time about when are we going to get married. It gets old. My uncles have been together nearly as long as my parents have, they are each others' pillars of strength. They own a home together and have dog and cat kids that are spoiled rotten, but people are disgusted at the idea of them being married. I honestly don't get it.
The divorce rate in this country is over 50%. If you want to preserve the sanctity of marriage, focus on your own damn families and keep religion out of our government! Or, limit marriage to committed and loving partnerships, gay and straight alike. If you want to be married, you want to be with that person for the rest of your life, right? What's two years of demonstrating this commitment out of the rest of your lifetimes? Nothing, that's what. So I say, 2 years of demonstrated commitment in order to get married, in order to preserve the sanctity of this tradition.
Or just let everyone who wants to get married, get married.
Whichever.

Anyhow... Hoorah Obama!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Accidentally by my Side, Again


Lately, again, I've been feeling at odds with my past. I've been meeting a bunch of new people- at school and at the horse rescue and in our bowling league- and it's hard to answer simple questions, well, simply.

"The Onion" had a headline about college recently, something along the lines of "How much is too much complaining about how tired you are." This gets me a lot, because everyone's exhausted whether they're getting all their homework done around 2 am, or they're still drinking at 2 and failing most of their classes, or anywhere in between. In genetics recitation, everyone at my table is finishing a degree they started a while ago or getting a second bachelor's. Things like, "I barely got the homework submitted by 11 last night because my daughter's band concert went so long!" or "Work scheduled me during this lab, again." are common excuses. Which makes me wonder how the 19 year olds get away with turning in work late because "it was rush week and we were out celebrating with our sisters" but then again, that's where they are in their lives.

But for me, I'm exhausted because I only got 9 hours of sleep last night. I can't say that! With the bags under my eyes, I can't deny it, either! Ever since the head injury, sleep is the most important part of my life. Without sleep, I'm worthless.

As much as I hate to talk about it (in person- writing is cathartic), my medical history defines a lot of who I am.

This is the first page of the first manuscript I wrote at Naropa. It was a bitch to write. 50 pages?




I do not want to write this down...






Begin:

Broken ribs prevent pained kisses...

Hospital horrors
(the inherent beauty that is Death)
Tired, at night, in the ER
(blackened blood)- inside and out
Pulsating flesh and bone
(broken
ankle
femur
wrist)

Frantic hallway echoes
Nurses and Doctors bounding through blue curtains
Saving others.

Bumpy roads make it hard to poke
Took ten minutes in the ER anyways
Will take thirty minutes on the mountain, anyway.
(but we won’t know this about each other, not for many months)

Pancakes for “age; 17”

Menu for “age; 20”

Then the Beepings return
(frantic)
Blood pressure = Death
(too low)
Attached to me
(attached to him
but only when a new aid
takes his blood pressure and pulse
at the same time)


I am considering putting my name on an 'intent to adopt' list for a new horse at the rescue. I know this is a mistake, but I cannot get myself to fully accept it. We will have the money by the time he is up for adoption, but I can't ask Mike to do this. No one in my life wanted me back with horses again anyways. They do their best to support me, but I can see it in their eyes. Five years is a long time to not know who you are...

We're all still afraid of what could have happened.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My boobs are no longer bigger than Kait's head!

Hoorah!

This blog lacks focus. Maybe posting recipes? Poetry and short stories? Bizarre photos, like this one? Limiting rants about health to four a year? Only ranting about health?

Honestly, I have low expectations of being read. I just love reading what other people have to say about this world, and having a blogger identity is the easiest way to keep track!

Still, I'd like to think I have something of interest to add...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Even Spot has a cough!

Ethics project on Transgenic Animals- any comments, just based on what you already know/feel about the subject? I've noticed there are a lot of really interesting conceptions/opinions about this topic, so I'd love to hear anything you have to say! Here's the good ol' Wikipedia entry on the subject, for reference, if you need a starting point. I won't use your comments for our presentation, and I will post on our ethical conclusions once we're finished.

First snow last night! Of course, it was in the 60s by afternoon, so nothing stuck around. A-Basin opens Wednesday, but Greg and I won't get up there until Saturday at the earliest. Early season skiing is for the ridiculous amazingness of getting as many days per season as possible, and I haven't skied early-season in many years, so whenever we go will be awesome!

For those of you who don't know me, I am a cooking maniac. The monthly arrival of 'Gourmet' is read as thoroughly as every letter from my sister in Tasmania, and I cook at least one complicated recipe per issue. As a result of this love of food, and the frustrations of not being able to get fresh herbs and decent produce most of the year, I started growing some ingredients myself. I wish I could say that my garden provided any decent portion of what we consume, but we only have a 5'x8' concrete patio and an office with grow lights to work with here!

I hadn't gotten around to weather-proofing my patio 'garden' yet, and I'm not ready to give up on those last green tomatoes, so I effectively filled our dining room with potted plants. The strawberries, lavender, and other hardy perennials stayed out, but the evergreen Southern blueberry, fig tree, mini roses and tomatoes take up a third of the room. I was looking at getting an olive or dwarf pomegranate tree to put in our bedroom, but I think we'll be stuffed with plants this winter as it is! I really, really like the idea of training a passionflower/fruit vine to climb up the dining room side of the totally non-functionally designed 'buffet' thing, but I really can't justify spending the money to order one! I got my hands on some Kaffir lime leaf a few weeks back and altered a Thai curry recipe around them.. ummmmmmm soooo yummy! But $50 a plant + shipping? Also too much right now. Damned economy! Damned universities taking all our money!

And: Ugh, cold/flu season sucks! We've been extra-diligent about not taking Spot out for adventures unless we've cleaned well and will clean well afterward, too, since snakes and humans can share nasty bacterial stuff. All the same, all three of us have a bit of a cough, and only one of us has a warm, humid hiding place to recover! In fact, Spot's cough has cleared up after a nice mouse and a few days with increased heating...

Friday, October 10, 2008

PETA finale, and our "Europe, it sure is a nice place to visit..." economy




<--Got this in the mail yesterday In case you don't read mirrored images so well, the writing says, "Europe, it sure is a nice place to visit..." and, on the inside, "But we can't afford to let our American economy become more like Europe." It goes on to plead us Colorado voters to call Mark Udall (D, running for Senate) and tell him that "Cap & Trade legislation is too expensive for hard working Colorado Families."

Here is a nice photo from my last trip to Europe,
which as a whole, is #2 on my list of
places I'd rather live, under Australia.


Mike and I thought this was about the funniest political flier ever! Even ignoring the details of Udall's comment (which involved using a cap and trade system to motivate industry to reduce emissions, as a big environmental issue in Colorado is factories paying less in fines to dump illegally than to deal with their waste in accordance with EPA guidelines) this sentiment makes NO SENSE!

Please, remind me why we don't want a strong, globally connected economy like Europe's?

Looking at the cap and trade idea itself, it makes even less sense. Basically, this system would allow companies that produce lower than their allowed emissions to 'sell' their extra emission allowances to companies that failed to meet federal emissions standards for that period. It even explains as much in the flier! So, companies that can get under their emissions limits stand to gain money by polluting less, and those that cannot get under are forced to bargain for credits- no more easy fines! How on EARTH would this cost 'Colorado families' anything? If anyone disagrees, PLEASE explain why.

The GOP is getting desperate... but I don't believe Americans are really short-sighted stupid enough to buy into their bull-crap.


As for PETA... that long, ranting entry yesterday DID have a point: Only PETA can take everyone involved in reforming horse-racing and have them leaping to the defense of the industry they've been fighting against. PETA is a terrorist organization whose extremest tactics reverse animal-welfare progress on an international stage. Threatening physical 'justice' and making public demands is the
modus-operandi of terrorists and other villains. By operating as a terrorist group, PETA pins all reasonable people into an uncomfortable, defensive position facing their attackers (aka PETA). In the case of Eight Belles, this meant that everyone with any knowledge of or commitment to horses and horse racing took a defensive stance against irrational demands, even when defending the status quo was against their true intentions for improving the ethical treatment of race horses.
PETA would gain my respect, and, in my opinion, far more animal rights victories, if they would ground their suggestions in reality by doing their research and respecting all sides by listening to their hesitations and concerns before making an educated, intelligent statement about what changes can be made to improve animal welfare. Stating that the jockey was at fault for not feeling anything wrong during the race because clearly he was whipping the filly instead of paying attention to her limits makes PETA sound like judgemental ass hats to anyone with a greater knowledge of why the filly went down.

The End.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

PETA: Progress-Ending Terrorists for their Animals

I always knew PETA existed. I always felt throwing paint on fur coats was an overly-dramatic way to make a point but, hey, I'm anti-fur and they seemed to be the only ones doing anything.

My first moment of PETA enlightenment came here: "Somebody stoled him," said five-year-old Zion. "I’m sad."

I laughed a bit, assuming that those over-zealous PETA members were the exception, rather than the rule.

Then, the Derby happened, Eight Belles tragically injured her ankle after the race ended, and the euthanasia made PETA go nuts. Their requests (and some reasoning) can be found in the AP article below:
Eight Belles

Their first point is right-on. Most other equine disciplines consider 2-3 the minimum age to start "breaking" their horses, meaning no one backs them until they're that age. Arabians and Icelandic ponies are commonly left alone until 4 or 5, to insure proper bone growth, and I've met many eventing and hunter/jumper trainers who will not start horses over fences until age 6, because their bones may not be completely formed yet. Thoroughbreds, however, are racing by age 2, and since age in the industry Jan 1st is every horse's birth date, some horses turn 2 when they are actually just over a year. There is no reason to race horses this young, in my opinion. Fully grown, sanely trained TBs would probably be faster and more effective runners anyway, so I'm not even sure why they still race TBs so damned young!

Abandoning dirt tracks for synthetics, however, is edging towards "wah?" Synthetics have yet to prove themselves as any different from dirt. The statistics on injuries between the two surface types are insignificant, and although most trainers seem to be moving towards synthetics for a variety of reasons, I personally don't understand why we would make that one of the demands for making racing more humane.

Cap the number of races per year, okay.

Whipping... is not about what PETA seems to think it's about. Whips, when used correctly, are extensions of the rider's arms and/or legs. They are used to cue horses where arms and legs are inefficient, such as in racing, where the jockey is perched on top of the horse with almost no actual contact. Tapping the shoulder signals the horse to lengthen its stride. Are there better ways to ride? Hell yes! But none of them involve perching precariously on your horse's back, and at least that part does make it easier for the horse to use its body. I would like to see the no-hitting from above the shoulder and no cruel crop regulations enforced consistently, but this is not my biggest issue with the industry.

And... the jockey felt nothing because there was nothing to feel, until it was too late. The clip makes that much obvious. Her stride is beautiful, her ears are forward, the jockey is doing his finest to bring her down slowly, and then she fumbles, he does everything in his power to stabilize them, but in a flash they're on the ground. She broke her ankle, people. It's tragic, and yes, it probably could have been avoided by letting her mature a bit more before racing, but the jockey rode her wonderfully through the end, and both he and Eight Belles trainer have long track records of treating their horses like their babies. Also, while Eight Belles was sound until she was down, Big Brown was lame just a day before the race! And again afterwards! In fact, he has a long history of foot problems, and his trainer and owner have a long history of racing horses with health problems anyways! In short, Eight Belles death and the Derby are a tragic case of the majority of the blame being shifted to the least guilty.

My problems with racing... are for another day. Suffice it to say, the big leagues are the least of my concerns, and PETA would save more horses from suffering if they would focus their attention on the inner city tracks and low-level races. One of the retired TBs I've known and loved, Chance, would have benefited greatly from someone taking him out of his stall more than once a year, and trimming his feet more than once every other year after retirement wouldn't have been a bad plan, either. He's a total love-bucket, a fun ride (after much work) and a talented mover... and a neurotic claustrophobic wreck who's notorious among local farriers.
Where was PETA then? And where are they for the horses that didn't leave with Chance, or who left on a double-deckered trailer for a different second-retirement plan???


Monday, October 6, 2008

Next time, don't block the door. Next time, I won't bleed so much.

Just, someone said I looked tired today, pointed out the unusual (for me) bags under my eyes, and I just blinked for a second for lack of a better thing to do. Everyone complains about being tired, because we all are. Everyone is tired most of the time. Look at those posh celebs rehabbing from 'exhaustion'! But I'm not tired! I'm lagging, and the wolverine inside my head is actively scrapping its way to freedom, but it's not the same tired as staying out late all weekend and then suffering the homework load while still hungover on Sunday night.

Okay, obviously my real issue today stems from a run-in with a sorority t-shirt wearing blond on her cell phone, standing right in front of the door. I was leaving the lab after checking our e-coli mutants and came up through the psychology wing, where apparently an accounting exam had just let out. Like I said, I'm lagging today. I wanted to get home and eat some buffalo chili and watch Buffy; the Vampire Slayer, and this petite blond in her Greek-lettered shirt, up-the-ass shorts, and Uggs (of course, the Uggs) is standing right smack between me and the door. I say 'excuse me' a few times, to no response. Move onto a couple bouts of 'Hi, you, yeah, hello? Me, door, come on now... yes, you, turn...' and since she's still chatting on her phone, ignoring me, and fully ignorant of her position fully blocking my only exit, I tap her shoulder and say 'excuse me!' a bit louder.
Which apparently was incredibly rude of me, because she flipped around (still blocking the door) to shriek, "What the fuck? Someone did poorly on that test, huh? Jesus Christ, bitch! Watch where you're going!" Then cackled into her phone.
Lucky for her, someone opened the door, thus pushing her aside, diverting her attention and allowing me to FINALLY escape.

I don't understand how these kids think they're pleasant to be around, with their upturned noses and glaring cold-bitch eyes... Something needs to happen in which all the girls from The Hills get dumped by super-hot rich men who've discovered that there are pretty girls in this world who aren't obsessed with being catty and elitist. Seriously.

Not that I'm particularly pleasant to be around, either. Especially since I'm on period #3 this month- yes, that's right folks: I've been blessed with 12-15 days of bleeding out of every 28, for the last 6 months! I lost 4lbs last week on the chocoholic/sodium intensive diet: Eat nothing but chocolate, whipped cream, bacon bbq burgers, and veggie chips with extra salt and just watch those pounds melt away! Swear to God. I'm 22 and going through menopause, except it's a genetic disease and I'll go through it several more times before I get to actual menopause. Goody!

And yet, after four hours doing the mind-numbing repetitive homework, I go to class and discover that rush week is a valid excuse for not having anything done. Can you really blame me for hating on this school and its students?
Probably.
Oh well.

So, plan for the next few weeks: Meet with advisor on Friday to discuss accommodations (for PTSD issues in large groups, and those random unhappy 'sick days' that land me in the ER). Make appointment with my normal doctor to get basic blood work for anemia going, and get recommendations for hematologists who aren't also pediatric oncologists. Get a pedicure. Find ways to eat what I need without inciting homicidal rage from my low-sodium, low-fat, no red meat dieting boyfriend.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

II) Happiness

A good friend of mine, JB, is neighbors with Indira, a favorite professor of mine from my stint as a writing and literature major. Indira and JB befriended each other months before JB made the connection and asked if I knew her. Since I often park at JB's, then walk or bus onwards with her, I get the occasional bonus of seeing Indira.

A few weeks ago, we dragged Indira down to the Farmer's market with us to grab lunch. Eating our Vietnamese noodles in the park, JB spied a little boy hiding under a juniper bush, chewing on a plastic spoon. She wanted to get a Polaroid, I wanted to know what world he had created under that bush. We stepped over and I squatted down, and asked him how his spoon tasted. He looked up and told me something in little kid speak that I think related to ice cream, and held out the spoon. JB told me to stop scaring the children. I told him I was full, but thanks, and waved.

Wandering back, Indira told me that she still had some of my work from last year, since I took medical leave in early October and never went back. She complimented my work from 'that period' and told me she'd dig up this one (and maybe a couple others) and give them back to me so I could see her comments. She talked about how my tactile references were something or other... I'm impressed that she even held onto them! I intend to make cupcakes and trade them for my stories.

Point of that long ramble is: the boy, the spoon, the professor... I've been thinking a lot about this essay, so I dug it up. Part one is on Anger, and I haven't been thinking about it.


II) Happiness
There is nothing as wonderful as the way time passes in dreams. An hour of dreaming can take place in the five minutes between the first alarm and the snooze repeat. Discovering this, my first semester away at college I began taking short naps between classes to refresh my brain. As I realized how many memories I had lost, dreams became my closest reality. In dreams, time has not definition; in reality, I could not remember the definitions of my time. I was always very late, extremely early, or not there at all because I had forgotten. I could not even place events in chronological order in my life, past or present.
Recently, I have been sleeping so well at night, that I can skip the little naps and still find my time. In fact, I can stretch my time because I finally have an idea of how long things take me. I can arrive within a few minutes of needing to be places, and I know when things have happened, in their correct order, over past week.
An appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday shed light on my newly relaxed mind. In his words, I have removed the “wet blanked” from my cognitive abilities by stopping some of the medications I went on after my head injury. This past week has been my first remembered reality without the harshest of these drugs, ironically named ‘Abilify.’ This drug, he explained again, is designed to stop one from feeling sensations, and thus prevents the vivid hallucinations often associated with both blows to the temporal lobe and mental illness. But, for head injury patients, it is a temporary fix, to be used only for a few years while the brain is healing.
So, four years later, I am feeling things again, and it is fucking brilliant. I feel wet when it rains, and cold when I get in my car in the mornings before the heat starts, around 64th. Then, I blast the heater and bask in the glory of my flesh warming to a comfortable temperature. I have actually burnt myself four times this week pulling things from the oven, which makes me wonder how many times I have burnt myself and not felt it enough to care. My shoulder, where I tore some ligaments, hurts more than I realized, and it feels great when Mike rubs it for me. His beard tickles my neck and cheek when he holds me, and his breath on my shoulder, as we fall asleep, gives me goose bumps. I actually made him feel the goose bumps Tuesday night, because I did not realize that I was capable of such sensitivity. He knows me well enough not to laugh, as I know him well enough to not spend five straight hours feeling his chest hairs, one by one, while he’s grading labs. That does not mean that I do not want to, it just means I don’t want him to draw on my face with his special red grading pen.
The highlight of my week, that one thing that made me happier than every other happy moment combined, was feeling happy in the first place. I realized that my idea of happiness is completely muted compared to the potential for glee I possess. I spent my week blissful with emotions, positive and negative alike, simply because I was feeling them. I cannot seem to explain the wonder I feel, but those who know me too well have all commented about the shine in my eyes this week. I want to ask them to imagine getting to feel everything after four years of not noticing that feeling was missing, but, instead, I have a tendency to pick up lemons out of fruit bowls, smell them, stare at them, and show whoever’s with me how cool the texture of the yellow rind feels against a fingertip.
(9/24/2007)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Isis, an introduction.

I volunteer as a feeder at the horse rescue across the street from us. I started last winter, since the highway out here sometimes closes in the early mornings when it snows, and the horses get fed at 7am. It takes about 3 hours, in winter, to slog the golf cart full of hay around to all the pens, mix feed, and slog the now bucket-laden cart back around, then rinse the buckets in freezing hose water, and prepared the soaked feeds and throw new bales into the cart for the night feeders. It's hard work, but it's so peaceful. I love it.
Last Thursday I called the barn manager and asked if I could help out in any way with groundwork. I don't really care to ride, but I do miss the interaction and a lot of the horses at the rescue could use some more mental stimulation. Turns out, she started a 'handlers' program last Sunday and I had missed the e-mail! Two of the more challenging horses, however, were not being used because none of the volunteers were experienced enough for everyone to feel comfortable about it. So Saturday I met with Emmie and we started talking about Isis. I don't have time to give her story now, but I will write it up later. Suffice it to say, she's a 7 year old mare who's pushy and occasionally bites, and she would be having a wonderful riding career right now if people didn't suck so hard.
So, I spent a couple hours with Isis, working through some personal space/ boundary issues and giving her a good grooming. She's such a love, all she wants is to be in your lap. But she does get bored easily, and she expresses this boredom by pacing, pawing, biting, and physically knocking her handler around. I'm looking forward to having a horse to play with on a regular basis, and I really think some tough love will go a long ways towards getting Isis into more amiable behavior patterns and thus upping her chances of being adopted.

I intend to write about how much I loathe PETA later, so stay tuned!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

5 years in recovery, 3 left to go.

When there are 378 people in your lecture section, and the teacher talks at you like kindergartners, it's rather hard to wake up and drive an hour to sit in an uncomfortable chair for 45 minutes. Sorry, Mikey- I'm still a bad student.

Anyhow, my second stint on blogspot is meant to be less about illness, more about randomness; but I've recently begun to think that to avoid repeating everything, I need to remember the details. I've gotten to that happy place where I can look back without slipping back, so maybe this is the moment to start reflecting.

Last year at this time the big decision was whether I could finish college, or if I needed another medical leave. Now my big decision is whether or not to double-major in molecular biology and biochemistry, since it would only take a couple extra classes and the sequential biology will keep me here for another two years anyways. I like this lack of urgency. I REALLY like not being on medical leave!

The strange, but somehow nice, thing about an illness that takes an average of 8 years to recover from is that it has given my family and remaining friends time to come their own terms with it. The first few years I hated everything- my friends for abandoning me, my parents for not understanding, the school system for being so damn ridiculous about documentation. I almost didn't graduate from high school because the principal, whose daughter had brain cancer at the time, decided that my brain problems were no excuse for waving a couple classes. I would like to note here that I was an AP scholar with scholarship offers from multiple small, strong science colleges before I had even started applying to schools. They called the day before graduation to say they'd decided I couldn't graduate, and my mom let all hell loose on them. I walked at the ceremony without knowing if I would actually get my diploma or not until later that afternoon.

I so wanted to be normal again, and no one but the doctors though I couldn't be. My mom had me switching specialists monthly for over a year because everyone had the same, grim prognosis and she couldn't handle it. So far, though, it's been spot-on:

In 4-6 months I would most likely develop PTSD- 4 months later I did.

The first one and a half years would be a downward spiral, without any major improvments until 3 years or so- they were filled with cutting, raging, deep depressions, horrible flashbacks, and autitory and visual hallucinations. I was hospitalized while away at school, and had to take medical leave and come home. At almost exactly 18 months my thoughts congealed enough to dump the abusive boyfriend I'd had since the accident. The hallucinations came less often, and I had fewer flashbacks. A week before the 2 year mark, I met Mike and started part-time at college again. At 3 years, I started school fulltime again.

Going off the medications would be like quitting Cocaine. Withdrawl, depression, crawling skin. I would need to take a year off to complete the slow tapering-down of my dosage. Last year, at 4 years, I was mostly done with the drugs, but I had to go on medical leave after the last couple dosage drops increased my flashbacks and left me depressed and cutting again.

At five years, I would start to think and act more like my past self, and start to feel better. I would have hopefully learned enough coping methods to keep the PTSD in check and maintain a 'normal' life. I will still be easily overwhelmed, but I will be better at saying 'no' to things that will make me regress. It was five years as of two weeks ago. I've returned to school again, back to my origional major. Being a 17-22 year old who couldn't drink, stay out late, sleep weird hours, and be in large groups of people was very, very hard to come to grips with, and I give full credit to Mike for helping me find ways to have fun that don't make me sick. We're on a bowling league, I've started watching more movies instead of getting frustrated at the shifting print in books, and when I get in over my head and can't finish a project, Mike is a saint and does clean-up. My balance recently became good enough that I can walk in a straight line, so I've been hiking again in addition to careful weight lifting. I've lost 40+ lbs of the 80+ lbs I put on after the injury. This past spring Greg and I went skiing and had a blast! I haven't lost all my atheltisism after all; it's just been hiding! My dad bought me a season pass 'for Chirstmas' so Greg and I can go up a lot more this coming season! I volunteer feeding at a horse rescue a few nights a month, which fulfills my need for horse-time without costing a fortune. I think about Tigger, the horse who I fell with, a lot, and talk to his new owner a few times a year, but haven't been out to see him in a long time. He's a pleasure horse now, they trail ride a lot, but occasionally he still has a nutty eventer moment and does something terrible, like when he kicked her in the stomach after he'd been penned up for an injury for a couple days... There's a horse at the rescue who had a head-injury in a trailer accident, actually, and I spend extra time with her on my nights feeding. She's so young and spunky, but she'll never be adopted because she's not ridable and she has so many emotional issues as a result of that trailer accident. A high school girl came out twice a week over the summer to brush this mare, because she felt a connection and managed to convince the barn manager that she could deal with the potential dangers. It was somehow life-changing to me to watch them together.

8 years after the accident, I will be as recovered as I can get, which hopefully means having the ability to hold a job, have a full social life, and not get so easily overwhelmed. Here's hoping!!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Postcards

Mike got my little sister, Katy, and I started writing postcards with his tale of woe on the Oregon Trail. Since it takes at least two weeks for mail to get from me to her and vice-versa, we're only a couple rounds in, but they're something wonderful to look forward to! Our son, Timmy, died of cholera earlier in our epic, and I recently captured a porcupine which I, due to seriously sun-stroke, believe to be my dearest child come back from the dead. Katy is struggling to adjust to her punishment of being sent to Van Deimen's Land, the frightening 'new dimension' that it is. The seasons are reversed, the trees shed their bark but not their leaves, the animals bounce... clearly the whole island is the work of The Devil!

We're way cool.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how close I am to my little sister. In Melbourne, we were both tired and cranky. Our hostel room was private, but beyond small. We didn't have money to eat anywhere special, so we had cheese sandwiches and random things from the corner market. We went to the movies to find the only thing with tickets left was 'Sex and the City.'

There are very few people with whom I could share such circumstances and not murder. Katy is one of them. We had such a blast together this past May/June! I'm so glad I got the chance to go to Hobart [Tasmania, Australia] and see where she's living, meet her friends, listen to her sing, pet wallabies, eat the world's best apples and freshest deep-fried seafood, see penguins, walk in amazing parks, pet some more wallabies...
Thank you, parents, and your frequent-flier miles!!!

We talked Monday night (Tuesday afternoon for her) and I'm all excited for her to come to Colorado for her summer break! She'll get home around Thanksgiving, and probably stay through December. There are advantages to living so close to my parents! Mike's sister is also coming to Colorado, from Tokyo, for his graduation in December, so it will be a family-filled holiday season! I always get a little anxious for big winter plans because the highway between our house and my parents' house is a nightmare when it snows- and it snows at complete random here. It can be sunny and in the 50s in the morning, then a full-on blizzard by 2 pm.

Anyhow, this was a good break before my genetics lab. See you kids later.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

September

I felt like such a tourist, stopping to take a picture of these twin fawns! Not only do I see deer daily, but this summer my parents have had two sets of twins and their moms walking through their yard every afternoon! We don't see as many deer in our yard, but twice a year the elk migrate through and eat EVERYTHING, even the juniper bushes!!! We've also had a bunch of coyote sightings in our neighborhood this month, and one missing cat...
Anyhow, my sister wanted pictures of 'American wildlife' to show her friends in Oz, so I obliged!
Taking pictures while driving is probably a bad idea...

We live at the base of that mesa on the left, a ways off that side of the picture. This is one of the worst windy parts of the road; two springs ago I came to this hill crest and slammed on the breaks to avoid a blown-over semi-truck. I've also see tipped trailers and tipped UHauls on this mile stretch.
An abandoned mine along the highway

Green Mountain and The Flatiorns, from Cherryvale Rd.

A handful of the cottonwoods have turned! Feels early.

All of these pictures were taken from my car; only the top one was taken when I wasn't actively driving. Oops. I like to turn my camera on, and occasionally hold it out to the side and click it without looking. Surprisingly, I get more decent pictures than blurred shots of my passenger door!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Time for a real entry- Fushia sweats and Uggs for summer

Fall has come; frost on the apples and car windshields, rainstorms without thunder, and yellow leaves on every third cottonwood or so along my commute. Most notably, the co-eds at my big public university have pulled out their Uggs. Now, this is my first semester on a 50,000 student campus and, after three years at tiny liberal arts schools with strong academics, the 'Greek' culture and diverse student body cracks me up on a daily basis. Uggs are no exception to this rule.

Now, don't get me wrong; I wear Uggs. They're comfy! And in deep snow, they're warm and semi-functional. I even have a hideous army-green pair with brass buckles and fake 'pockets'. But my ownership of said fashion atrocities should be very telling in how seriously I take myself when I wear my Uggs- not at all. I've always thought those pictures of Hollywood starlets in Uggs and mini dresses, occasionally with some colorful stockings or a fur hat, are pretty damn hilarious. What is the point of big ugly sweaty boots when it's not freezing cold? Apparently, the Aussies agree. The inventors of Uggs shake their heads and laugh at how sloppy Americans dress, wearing house slippers outside! Yes, folks: Uggs are Australian house slippers.

On to my wonderful wildlife spotting of yesterday- Rush Week freshman in fuchsia sweat-suit and Uggs.

I've seated myself halfway up, in the middle of the row for my 360+ person lecture and am trying to convince myself waking up and driving to campus will be worth it come exam time when this Sarah Palin-esk voice screeches, "Walker! Walker! Walker! Walker!" A boy right in front of me strands up and raises an arm in salute. She finally notices him and enters my view screaming, "Walker! Sit with me! Walker! Come here! Sit next to me!" Before she seats herself a few chairs in front and to the left of me, I notice her black fuzzy Uggs. Moving up from there, I observed bright fuchsia valour sweatpants with 'Sexy' written up the leg. On top, she has layered a black zip-up sweatshirt with a white faux-fur hood over a perfectly matching fuchsia hoody over a black lacy cami. Her dark hair is straightened, pulled back into an annoyingly perfect bun and held flat on top by a thick, clothe, black headband. She has a cartilage piercing in her right ear with a small silver ring-with-ball, long fake Frenched nails, and pink rhinestones glued to her planner (which has 'Pink by Victoria's Secret' scrawled across it) and iclicker (the radio clickers we use to 'participate' in huge lectures like this). I wanted to take a picture for my sister, but I couldn't think of a way to do so without obviously making fun of her, especially since I was rockin' the camo trucker hat and 'Ride Copper' hoody over paint-stained jeans and muddy hiking boots. Not likely that I'm complimenting her or wanting to use her outfit to help me dress better...

But, her outfit totally made my day.

Thursday, August 21, 2008